Jokes

[Captain_Marko]

I needed a laugh today after a tough past week - this did the job for me, do post more!

Man sees an advert: "talking centipede" - £100.

He buys it & takes it home. After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says "would you like to go for a drink?". The centipede doesn't answer. Raising his voice, he repeats the question - still no reply.

Getting angry, thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly. At which the centipede sticks his head out the box and says "I heard you first time you numbskull, I'm putting my flippin shoes on".

 

[Toonies]

LOL

I haven't heard that joke before. Did not expect that punch line.

 

[Ratpackin]

A Texan farmer buys a donkey from a neighbor for $100.00. The neighbor agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the neighbor drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”
“Well then, just give me my money back.”
“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
“OK then, just unload the donkey.”
“What ya gonna do with em?”
“I’m gonna raffle him off.”
“Ya can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
“Sure I can. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”
A month later the neighbor met up with the farmer and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”
“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at 2 bucks apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”
“Didn’t no one complain?”
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.”

 

[Poppy_poopy]

A woman looks out her window and calls 911(emergency) in shock, "Send a deputy to my house right away," she said, "there's a democrat out on my front lawn, masturbating."
The dispatcher asks, "Ma'm, what makes you so sure it's a democrat?"
"Because if he was a republican, he'd be fucking somebody," the woman said.

 

[Captain_Marko]

 

[B01E]

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

 

[Poppy_poopy]

What is the best part of being married to a tall woman? When you're nose to nose, your toes are in it, and when you're toe to toe your nose is in it.